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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Common sense is like deodorant; those that need it most, don’t use it.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Most of my thoughts have been coming from a very dark place lately. That`s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.