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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Be careful when you`re watching a movie with your wife. You`re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?