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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Heard the local weatherman say, "high in the thirties" & now I know the title to my autobiography.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.