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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Honestly, it`s not the way I look that reveals my age. It`s my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
I think it`s really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Benjamin, agrees with me.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.