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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
cofeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffeecoffee... Wheeeeeeeeee!
I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Stay Calm, take a breath, and reload.