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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.