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I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
If my girl didn`t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn`t have said she bought it "for me." Women are confusing.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.