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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I miss the life I planned in my head.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
This headache feels like dumb people
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Iād be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.