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The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.