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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
No, I’m not funny. I’m just really mean and everyone thinks I’m joking.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.