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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)