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I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"