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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.