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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
I`ve never watched CSI because I learned everything I need to know about solving crimes from watching Scooby Doo
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.