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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, "You gotta bring it today!" ... So I packed a lunch and went to work.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.