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The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.