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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…