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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.