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When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
I keep hitting the escape key ... But I`m still here.
some mornings i wish i could sneak up behind my alarm clock and say, "HOW DOES IT FEEL?!!"
The difference between me & normal people is the normal
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.