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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"