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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
My inner child is a drunken whore
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?