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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.