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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.