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You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.