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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?