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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards