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Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.