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Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
“I don’t watch TV” proudly says a person who spends 8 hours a day on the internet.