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“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.