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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
I put the hot in psychotic.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.