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Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to get in shape and you answer "revenge" it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.