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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it`s Science