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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.