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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
I wouldn’t have to manage my anger, if people could learn to manage their stupidity.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.