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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.