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Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she`s gained weight.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.