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Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
If I don’t talk to myself, who will?
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I have nothing!
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.