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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
It takes balls to be a man.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.