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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...