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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.