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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
I get more cleaning done in the ten minutes before someone comes over than I do in a week.