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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Is that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds