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No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.