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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.