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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
But what if bygones want to be something else? ;)
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.