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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.