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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."