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I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that`s also the last time I`ll buy cheap toilet paper...
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.