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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.