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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.