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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!