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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I posted "Help, I am in an Iranian prison" everyone would be like "haha good one"
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
A "long story" is just a short story that no one wants to tell.
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
“I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.