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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.