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It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.