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Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.