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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste and texture of pizza.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.